Your Partner May Be Toxic If They Say These 8 Things (2023)

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by Jordan Bissell

Your Partner May Be Toxic If They Say These 8 Things (1)

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In the middle of an argument, it can be easy to say something hurtful that you don't really mean. But even during a fight, you and your partner should strive to keep the discussion civil and respectful. If your partner says toxic things to you on a regular basis, that's not acceptable, according to experts.

If your partner says one of these toxic things to you, that isn't necessarily a sign that the entire relationship is worth abandoning. What's more important is how they react when you confront them about this, and whether or not they change. "If the partner is open to admitting it's a problem, they can move forward with working towards change," Joanne Ketch, LPC, LMFT, a psychotherapist specializing in strengthening relationships, tells Bustle. But if they don't react so apologetically to what they've said to hurt you, that's another story. "If the partner dismisses, invalidates, gaslights, or repeats a toxic behavior, I suggest that [they] get outside help," Ketch says. "If that doesn't work, I suggest leaving the relationship."

Sometimes, toxicity can verge on abuse, she says. You should never feel like you have to put up with abuse, no matter how much you love your partner. Reach out to trusted friends and family members and speak with a mental health professional if you need support for leaving the relationship.

(Video) 8 Toxic Things People Say To Each Other (Without Realizing It)

If your partner says these things, it may be toxic, according to experts.

1

"You're A Loser"

If you're in a heated argument with your partner, it can be easy to say things that you don't really mean. But name-calling is a bad habit, no matter how angry they are. "People who call their partners names lack the skills necessary for effective communication and conflict resolution," Virginia Gilbert, MFT, MFC, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sex and love addiction and high-conflict divorce, and the author of Transcending High-Conflict Divorce, tells Bustle. If this only happens once by accident, tell your partner clearly that it's not acceptable to call you names and that you won't continue the conversation until they speak to you with more respect. "If name-calling is habitual, it's a sign of verbal abuse," Gilbert says. "If your partner does not demonstrate remorse, or agree to therapy or anger management, you should make plans to leave the relationship."

2

"You're Overreacting"

"People who accuse their partners of overreacting or being 'high drama' are often unaware that they are doing things to invite a strong, negative reaction," Gilbert says. "For instance, they may be consistently irresponsible, critical, or, worse, gaslighting to deflect from infidelity or abuse." If you get even more upset when your partner says that you're overreacting for having a reasonable response to a difficult situation, that can really be harmful for your relationship and erode your self-esteem, she says.

Once you've taken some time to cool down, let your partner know that saying this invalidated your feelings and that, in the future, you'd like them to be more respectful.

(Video) If your partner has ever said these to you, RUN | Toxic Phrases you shouldn't condone

3

"Why Can't You Just Be Happy?"

Whether you're severely struggling with a mental health issue or you're just upset about a situation, a healthy partner is one who will show you empathy and ask how they can support you. But someone who wants you to just "get over it" or "just be happy" is not someone who's reacting in a positive way. "If your partner personalizes your mood, acts like you're a buzz-kill, or emotionally abandons you, they are essentially saying you're not OK as you are, and their love is conditional," Gilbert says.

Try acknowledging that your partner might feel helpless to support you through the situation, she says. Then, explain that comments like these actually make you feel worse. If they change their behavior, that's wonderful. But if they keep acting like your negative emotions are a burden, you might want to consider couples therapy or leaving the relationship.

4

"No One Else Would Be With You"

"Abusers use this phrase to control their partners," Gilbert says. "They erode your self-esteem so that you will stay and continue to tolerate abusive behavior." If your partner says this to you, they probably have low-esteem and a sense of abandonment themselves, she says. But it's not OK for them to treat you this way, no matter what the reason.

(Video) 8 Signs You Might Be Toxic And Tips to Change

"If your partner devalues you by telling you no one else will want you, you need to leave the relationship ASAP before the abuse escalates," Gilbert says. Reach out to trusted friends or family members to help support you, and consider speaking with a mental health professional if you'd like some extra guidance.

5

"You're So Stupid"

There may be a context in which your partner saying "You're so stupid" is fine. For example, if you tell a corny joke, they might laughingly say this as a response. But if your partner is genuinely insulting your intelligence, that's a sign of a toxic situation. "This is a power technique and toxic to any relationship," Ketch says.

Confront your partner about how demeaning a statement like this can feel to you. If they sincerely apologize and promise to be more careful with their language in the future, that's a good sign. But if they consistently belittle you, you might want to consider ending the relationship.

6

"If You Really Loved Me..."

When your partner is trying to convince you to agree to their favorite dinner spot or share your favorite pair of fuzzy socks, they might say "Well, if you really love me" in a silly way. But if they're seriously trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, that's not so innocuous. While it might not seem like a bit deal at the time, it might be a sign of a deeper issue in the relationship.

"If your partner threatens you with this line, call it out for the manipulation that it is," Adina Mahalli, MSW, a certified relationship expert and mental health consultant, tells Bustle. "You do love your partner, and they know it, so whatever they’re about to say is a form of guilt-tripping.," she says. "You have nothing to prove with this toxic remark."

(Video) 8 Things Toxic Mothers Say To Their Children

7

"You Left Me With No Choice"

While it's probably true that your actions influence your partner in some way, the choices that you make do not take away your partner's ability to make decisions. For example, maybe your partner said this to you after you confronted them about cheating. When your partner blames you for something you did not do by telling you "You left me with no choice," that's not a good sign. "If your partner ever tells you this, your first thought should be the knowledge that it’s just not true," Mahalli says. "Trying to shift accountability and place the blame on you for their own actions isn’t OK and is a sign of toxic behavior," she says.

8

"You're Just Like Your Parent"

If your partner and your mom are BFFs or your partner and your dad are inseparable, it's probably a major compliment for them to tell you "You're just like your parent." But if this is something that they say in an attempt to hurt your feelings, that's a sign of a toxic situation.

(Video) 12 "Harmless" Phrases That Are Actually Toxic

Do your best to stay calm, Dr. Doug Weiss, a licensed psychologist and relationship therapist, tells Bustle. Even though your partner said this to you, they might not have thought about their words before they spoke them. Explain clearly that this statement hurt your feelings, and give them the chance to apologize. Make sure you establish boundaries and speak up for yourself, Weiss says.

If your partner says something hurtful during an argument, give them the chance to apologize and resolve not to do it again. But if they consistently say some of these toxic things, you might want to consider leaving the relationship.

Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.

FAQs

What makes a partner toxic? ›

Your relationship may be toxic if it is characterized by behaviors that make you feel unhappy, including disrespect, dishonesty, controlling behaviors, or a lack of support.

How do you know your partner is toxic for you? ›

If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you've sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples. Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too.

What are the 8 types of toxic relationships? ›

8 Types of Toxic Partners You Should Never Let Stay with You
  • The Jealous Partner. A bit of jealousy is okay—it adds spice to a relationship. ...
  • The Domineering Partner. ...
  • The Extremely Insecure Partner. ...
  • The Absolute Perfectionist. ...
  • The Narcissistic Partner. ...
  • The Blaming Partner. ...
  • The Competitive Partner. ...
  • The Lying Partner.
Aug 16, 2015

How do you respond to a toxic partner? ›

Read on for tips on how to respond to this type of behavior.
  1. Avoid playing into their reality. ...
  2. Don't get drawn in. ...
  3. Pay attention to how they make you feel. ...
  4. Talk to them about their behavior. ...
  5. Put yourself first. ...
  6. Offer compassion, but don't try to fix them. ...
  7. Say no (and walk away) ...
  8. Remember, you aren't at fault.
Nov 20, 2019

What are 5 signs of a toxic relationship? ›

Over time, this can turn a relationship toxic. Subtle character assassination, control without knowing it, jealous passive-aggressive behavior, never taking ownership, and negativity for too long, are all common behaviors we have been guilty of in our relationships.

What are toxic relationship red flags? ›

Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticizes you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn't be one-sided.

What is an example of being toxic in a relationship? ›

Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including: You give more than you're getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted. You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren't being met.

What is the toxic phase in a relationship? ›

Toxic relationships generally follow three stages: idealizing, devaluing, and discarding. Learn about each of these stages and the impact it has on you.

Can a toxic person love someone? ›

Real love cannot happen in a toxic relationship.

Two people have to merge their lives and validate each other's decisions. As I'm sure you know, getting two people to agree on something can be incredibly difficult. When you're in a toxic relationship, realizing or accepting its toxicity isn't easy.

Do toxic people know they are toxic? ›

People with toxic traits know they have them

It's natural to assume someone's bad behavior is a conscious choice. But many people with toxic traits don't realize that their behavior impacts others. You may have toxic traits that you don't know about. Some toxic traits, like absolutism, manifest subtly.

Can a toxic relationship be fixed? ›

Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.

What are at least 5 warning signs you have an unhealthy relationship? ›

Recognizing the signs of unhealthy relationships
  • Control. One person makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. ...
  • Dependence. ...
  • Digital monitoring or “clocking”. ...
  • Dishonesty. ...
  • Disrespect. ...
  • Hostility. ...
  • Harassment. ...
  • Intimidation.

What is gaslighting in a relationship? ›

What is gaslighting in a relationship? It's a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes the other partner doubt his or her perceptions, experiences, memories, or understanding of events that happened.

What are examples of toxic traits? ›

31 Toxic Personality Traits To Spot in Yourself And Others
  • Lying.
  • Insincerity.
  • Playing The Victim.
  • Cheating.
  • Not Speaking Out.
  • Taking Things Personally.
  • Perfectionism.
  • Seeking The Validation of Others.

What is toxic love? ›

Toxic love often means oscillating between strong highs (excitement and passion) and intense lows (anxiety and depression). You revel in the highs but mostly experience the lows.

How do you know when to leave a relationship? ›

Here, experts explain some of the signs that indicate it may be time to let go:
  1. Your needs aren't being met.
  2. You're seeking those needs from others.
  3. You're scared to ask for more from your partner.
  4. Your friends and family don't support your relationship.
  5. You feel obligated to stay with your partner.
Aug 27, 2018

What is manipulative behavior in a relationship? ›

What's manipulation in relationships? Psychological manipulation often refers to words, omissions, and actions that attempt to control how another person feels, thinks, and behaves. This may affect their perspective of themselves, the relationship, and the world in general.

What are the 5 red flags in a relationship? ›

Top 5 Red Flags in a Relationship
  • Feeling Inferior. If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you feel inferior to them, you should identify where this feeling is coming from. ...
  • Emotionally Unavailable. ...
  • Gaslighting Behavior. ...
  • Jealousy and Trust Issues. ...
  • Verbal and Physical Abuse.
Oct 28, 2022

What's your biggest red flag in a relationship? ›

Physical, emotional, or mental abuse

Physical, emotional, and mental abuse are undeniable red flags in any relationship. Physical abuse is easier to pick up. But emotional and mental abuse can be just as damaging in the long run. And just like physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse can cause PTSD.

What are red flags in a guy? ›

Having an unhealthy lifestyle, such as smoking, drinking too much, or not getting enough sleep can be a red flag in men. This is because it indicates that he isn't taking good care of himself, which is a sign that he may not be able to take care of you either.

What are 3 signs of a toxic relationship? ›

Here's how to recognize seven signs of what is a toxic or abusive relationship and how to address those traits in healthy and safe ways.
  • Lack of trust. ...
  • Hostile communication. ...
  • Controlling behaviors. ...
  • Frequent lying. ...
  • All take, no give. ...
  • You feel drained. ...
  • You're making excuses for their behavior.
Sep 23, 2022

What is a toxic message? ›

Toxic text messages are texts that drain you physically and mentally while affecting the overall health of your relationship. These texts demand you to act or behave in a certain way that is unnatural and only satisfies your partner's insecurities.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

Is it true love or toxic? ›

In true love, there is comfort in separate interests. We can have our own friends and meaningful relationships outside of our romantic relationships. We can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand. On the other hand, in toxic love, there is total involvement in one another's lives.

Can a toxic person change? ›

If you've addressed toxic behavior with the person exhibiting it and they have taken it to heart, it's possible for toxic people to change. “Toxic people can absolutely change,” Kennedy says, “however they must see their part in the problem before they are likely to find the motivation to do so.”

Can true love become toxic? ›

A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love over the three core components of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, and affection.

What is the most toxic trait? ›

Controlling. One of the most dangerous traits of a toxic person is controlling behavior. They may try to restrict you from contacting your friends or family, or limit resources like transportation or access to money to restrict your ability to interact with the world around you.

What are things that toxic people say? ›

7 Toxic Phrases People In Relationships Say Without Realizing It
  • “It's not a big deal” or “You'll get over it.”
  • “You're just like your father.”
  • “You always ... ” or “You never ... ”
  • “You're doing it wrong. Why can't you just do it my way?”
  • “I am done.”
  • “You're too sensitive.”
  • Not saying anything.
Dec 2, 2021

How do you break a toxic cycle? ›

Toxic relationships: How to break unhealthy patterns
  1. Be active in your relationship. ...
  2. Make time to connect and share experiences. ...
  3. Take a step back and try and look at your relationship objectively. ...
  4. Learn to have better arguments. ...
  5. Beware that the thing you were once attracted to can be the thing that undoes you.

Can a relationship ever stop being toxic? ›

Rest assured: Toxic people can be healed with conscious effort and self-awareness. But you need to be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward and let go of the toxic traits in yourself. You can learn how to undo your past and how to stop being toxic in a relationship.

Can you break a toxic relationship? ›

"If someone finds themselves in a toxic relationship, they should get the help required to change it or get out of it," Campbell says. It's important, she notes, to start creating a game plan. Depending on the level of seriousness, this can mean confiding in friends and family for advice or seeking a therapist.

How do you communicate with someone toxic? ›

6 Steps to Communicating with Toxic People Effectively
  1. 1 – CREATE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE. ...
  2. 2 – TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF. ...
  3. 3 – MANAGE YOUR INTENSITY. ...
  4. 4 – PUT THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THE RESULT. ...
  5. 5 – SHINE LIGHT ON THEIR BEHAVIOR. ...
  6. 6 – KNOCK THEM OUT OF THE BOAT OR JUMP OUT OF THE BOAT.
Jul 24, 2019

Should I reply to a toxic person? ›

When it comes to surrounding ourselves with toxic people, or even listening to what they have to say, it's best to take the highroad and completely ignore them.

What triggers toxic behavior? ›

These behaviors may manifest from underlying feelings of low self-esteem and mental health conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), childhood trauma, or other deeply rooted personal issues.

What is considered a toxic woman? ›

Toxic femininity includes any thoughts, actions, or behaviors by women that benefit or defer others, usually males, at the expense of a woman's independence, agency, full range of emotions, and emotional and mental well-being.

What are seven toxic habits? ›

There are seven toxic habits that you should quit today. Stop comparing yourself to others, letting your past impact your present and future, not taking your own advice, expecting the worst, not taking chances, not sharpening your saw, and being too hard on yourself.

What are the signs of a toxic person? ›

Here are five red flags you're in a toxic situation you may need to address.
  • They gaslight or lie to you. ...
  • They don't apologize properly. ...
  • They don't understand how their behavior makes others feel. ...
  • They think they are superior to others. ...
  • They see themselves as a victim of their own behavior.
Jan 12, 2022

What makes a person toxic? ›

The toxic traits of a toxic person include unsupportive and unpleasant behavior, being manipulative, judgmental, controlling, and self-centered. Such people can be the cause of various negative feelings and emotions that you may be experiencing like depression, anxiousness, worthlessness, and unhappiness.

Do toxic people know they're toxic? ›

People with toxic traits know they have them

It's natural to assume someone's bad behavior is a conscious choice. But many people with toxic traits don't realize that their behavior impacts others. You may have toxic traits that you don't know about. Some toxic traits, like absolutism, manifest subtly.

What are toxic male traits in a relationship? ›

These include dominance, control, insensitivity and aggression. Toxic men display destructive behaviors. They think they must be the dominant part and not show any feelings. Only then are they true men in their eyes.

What is toxic love examples? ›

For example, they bring out the gossipy side of you, or they seem to draw out a mean streak you don't normally have. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person to keep from becoming a target of their venom. You spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up.

What are 5 negative qualities? ›

  • IGNORANT.
  • IMPATIENT.
  • IMPULSIVE.
  • INATTENTIVE.
  • INDECISIVE.
  • INFLEXIBLE.
  • INHIBITED.
  • INSECURE.

Videos

1. 8 Toxic Behaviors You Should NEVER Tolerate In Your Relationship
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2. 8 Signs Its A Trauma Bond, Not Love
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3. Toxic People You Should Avoid at All Cost! | Jordan Peterson
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4. 6 Ways To Tell A Woman Is Toxic (Every Guy Needs To Know This)
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5. You MUST Walk Away from These People | Jordan Peterson on TOXIC Relationships
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6. 4 Common Behaviors That Kill Relationships
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